Rabbi’s Message – January 26, 2023
Rabbi, do Jews have a final confessional? Where did the tradition of burying people within a day come from? Do we have to shovel earth? Why don’t we have open-casket viewings? What makes a casket “kosher” anyways? We need to wear those ribbon button things right?
I get these questions and many, many more from mourners and attendees of funerals. And while I can answer each one individually, the specific answers don’t give the overall picture of what connects all of them. For those in our community, you are probably well aware that this past week has been a difficult week for our congregation, and many have been touched by death, grief, and loss in some way or another recently. I’d like to take a minute to talk about what some of the underlying values and principles are around death and mourning in Jewish tradition, and would encourage you to talk with your loved ones about your own wishes in the final chapter of our lives. As seemingly morbid and difficult as those conversations can be, it is better than leaving loved ones guessing what you would have wanted.
Respect for the Dead (k’vod hamet): There are many traditions and Jewish laws around the time of dying and immediately after death that seek to honor the person’s soul and body. At the time of death, the soul separates from the body, and what is left is the physical vessel that housed the deceased’s soul. In that regard, a corpse is treated as a sacred vessel in and of itself. Rituals around death serve to protect, clean, care for, and accompany the body until it can be brought to its resting place. This value is also one of the reasons that cremation was not generally permitted historically, and is still less common among liberal Jews, as the act of cremation can be viewed as desecrating a sacred vessel.
Comforting Mourners (nichum aveilim): The majority of actions we take after death as immediate mourners seek to bring honor to the deceased, while also comforting mourners. Once a person is buried, the focus of our communal attention becomes the mourners themselves and acting in ways that support their needs. Most traditionally, the first seven days of Shiva are observed, where, other than Shabbat, the family stays home and the community sees to their needs, including having prayer services to recite Kaddish in their home.
Dust to Dust, Ashes to Ashes: The concept that we were created from dust and ashes (earth) and to dust and ashes we will return is an important concept. Jewish law requires the use of a simple, all-wood casket such that the casket itself will not be an imposition to the deceased returning to dust. In addition, embalming is traditionally avoided as it preserves the body, the opposite of returning to earth. And this, to say bluntly, is why Jews avoid open-casket viewings – these traditions developed prior to modern refrigeration techniques and without the use of embalming, the experience would not be pleasant. So, while the deceased is still dressed in the casket, the formality of that attire is a choice you can make.
The Timeline of Grief: One of the things I absolutely love about Jewish tradition is the grieving timeline. We recognize the period of Aninut – from death to burial; Shiva – the first seven days after burial; Shloshim – the first 30 days after burial, and the twelve months following burial. Each death is marked by family members annually. According to traditional Jewish law, there are restrictions that mourners adhere to (for example: not shaving, or sitting on the ground/low stools, not working, etc.) that apply in earlier periods of the grieving process that gradually are lifted as you move from aninut to the end of shloshim, and for a parent, to the end of the first year. This works in two ways. First, it “forces” mourners to mourn, but also nudges mourners back to “normal” life and to reestablish routine. Second, It recognizes that the “work” of mourning is never complete, which is why we mark a Yahrzeit. While the traditional periods may work for some, others will find their own timelines through the grief process.
A final note – each and every death, and each and every grief process is as unique as the individual that died, and the relationships they had with others. There are many, many, many healthy ways to grieve, even for the same person experiencing different losses. I encourage families to consider Jewish traditions and values around grieving, but also to figure out what will meet their own needs as well. Should you wish to know more or have a question, my door is always open.